Shoes have always been more than just foot covers—they're pain with a price tag. Take chopines, for instance. These 15th-century platform monsters made women in Venice tower over mere mortals… and frequently fall on their faces. Some were over 20 inches tall. Because nothing says elegance like risking a concussion just to flirt at the market. They were usually made of wood or cork but people really wanted to make the more painful by making them out of metal. They often were dressed in lace or bedazzled to the gods. Although they started off by being used mostly by prostitutes, they eventually made their way to the closet of the upper-class. The highest they were the richer you were. So whoever owned these must of been a real baller.
Moving forward a few centuries, we meet the ever-impractical stiletto. Designed in the 1950s to make legs look fabulous and backs ache forever, stilettos are basically weaponized fashion. Great for commanding a room, terrible for chasing a bus—or your dignity. They also screamed to the world how "feminine,graceful and rich" you were.
Let’s not forget the pointed-toe shoes of medieval Europe. Known as “poulaines,” some toes stretched over 24 inches. Lords literally tied the ends to their knees to walk. Were they fashionable? Sure. Practical? About as practical as wearing stilts to a sword fight.
Sometimes called crakow shoes, poulaines were typically made from leather, but could also be made from other materials. They were often worn by wealthy men in London. The shoes had long, pointed toes that were stuffed with moss or hair, yes hair, to keep their shape and prevent them from flopping around. This carried on into other cultures as well. Taking in a big name in Mexican communities called "Guaracheros".
So yes, shoes have always slayed—but sometimes they slayed you right back... and put you on your ass or made you look like an ass. Regardless, the next time you complain about breaking in a new pair of Doc Martens, just be glad you’re not teetering around on chopines while trying to Crank Dat Soulja Boy. Yuuuuu!!!.
